At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
