Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
