everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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