I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
