John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
my poor anus
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Randomize
