If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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