Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
