Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
