I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
