I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
