Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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