Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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