apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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