remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
