who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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