I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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