beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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