Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'm both gender and math confused
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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