I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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