Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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