i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
