just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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