It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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