We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
