there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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