On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
