Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
