two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
