I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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