fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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