i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
