Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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