dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
