He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
