i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize