woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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