so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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