Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I supernannyed him into submission
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
