I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
