i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
