She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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