How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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