I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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