I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Randomize
