At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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