Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
