i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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