im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I wish you could order shots online.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
