If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
