How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
