Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
