i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
