you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
