Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
