im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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