Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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