I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize