i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
