this just has baby written all over it
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
